I first found out I was Gay when I was twelve or thirteen. I experienced feelings like lust for other boys. I couldn’t understand why I felt like that. From that moment on, it started an arduous journey of self-hate… I knew I couldn’t tell anyone, because once someone found out, it could wreak havoc against my reputation. Going to an all-boys school I understood the consequences of a homophobic community. The rage I can recall from the hormone filled teenage boys; One time a boy from my year level had Britney Spears on his phone, Some kids discovered it and gave him a lot of abuse. I understood that through my experiences that I shouldn’t even show a slight hint of homosexuality, as the other boys would catch on and build upon it with obnoxious hatred. However I knew sometimes I could use my lustrous feelings for pleasant get away in fantasy worlds, much I have to admit, School Swimming Carnivals and Physical Education.
It was around Year Seven or Eight that I was still unsure about my own sexuality, I realised that Swimming Carnival’s were an awesome time to get a better understanding of my own sexuality. I usually stared at the other boys, their pale skin and nice body were one of the things I enjoyed admiring. Back then like most people were, I was really shallow, I only adored skinny people, that was one of the few things I couldn’t understand. I used to look in the mirror and realise I had a big tummy, and that was one of the reasons why I never show my waist when swimming. I remember clearly the fun I enjoyed with all my other classmates as they were topless in the pool and splashing each other, Sleazy I know, however that is the truth.
Footy was a sport I used to play, curious was I at such an uprising in my beliefs as I challenged the norms of society. Where does football fit in my story, I would perhaps say it links strongly as I used to recall homophobic taunts from other players. Even the coach and older players themselves were quite homophobic. I recall the senior coach joking about fags in general. I cannot remember much but I can recall certain fragments of my memory. Football was a fun sport I must admit, however it did get really competitive, but I suppose that’s why they call it a sport.
Coming out was a hard experience for me, It involved a lot of patience and mental strength to get through it all, I can explain the story of how I came out in an Asian community too. I took this from minus18 website, I had published this several months earlier.
This is just a long message for all those Asians out there; I’m not generalising, just my experiences with the Asian gay community especially living in an Asian community bounded by homophobic people. Some of these things might not affect some of you, but please do read on, it involves my personal experiences and the experiences of some of my Asian friends that have come out of the family.
“It’s a choice, a path, a path you choose to live in life isn’t it?”
One of the most common things I hear from Asian parents when their sons or daughters come out as GLBTIQ.
I’m not here to scare you or bore you with my stories but please read on.
I’ve heard success stories of Aussie parents loving their children the way they are, Back then I was so happy about being Gay, I decided at one stage to come out to my parents, I don’t exactly live at home so I thought it would of gave them time to think about it. Little did I know they were really homophobic, They told me to get out of the house and never to come back in until you have ‘chosen to be straight’. This was a destructive situation.. yes? I suppose so, I began my vigorous journey of not contacting my parents for several weeks, I suppose they felt really bad for raising up a son that turned out Gay. (My parents are old school so y’know) When I went back, I decided to go for a stroll with my mom to clear things out. She told me that I had chosen the wrong path and that I could easily come back to the real path, that none of family or relatives are Gay, I kept arguing with her and saying that this isn’t a path, it ended with her crying on the way home. After a few months later I had a talk to my doctor, she told me that Asian parents don’t mind other gay people doing their own stuff but ‘not my kids’. The doctor told me I should just say the terms; “I’ll just think about it”.
(I know right… a lot of writing.) I should of perceived that was going to happen, but I wanted to show them the real me, guess it didn’t really work out. I want to pass on the message to the Asian community. I met a friend at school, He also recently came out as Gay, and his parents told him the same thing, that it was a choice and can be changed. I know, I know, Its not a choice, but for now it is. Due to the fact that old school parents don’t understand; now, maybe in twenty years they will understand but not now.
How I understand coming out is quite different to how most people would understand it. I had to endure many taunts and abuses from many different people in my short life. However I can cite these few paragraphs as a hidden meaning that You can get through it, and it does get better.
Years passed after I found out I was Gay, I finally came out at school. It was quite strange this was in year eleven, a time when boys mature into grown young men. I actually said to my counsellor that I was Gay, that was a huge step for me, it involved a lot of courage. My school counsellor advised me to visit this website (www.minus18.org.au) and handed me a booklet called “My friend is Gay”. I visited minus18 and scoured through their forum, shortly I made a new account under the name of “Lengpower” a name I used in online games. I used lengpower because I was still scared of this newly found site, I didn’t know who was who, and what was what. I shortly after a few days got addicted to minus18 and had changed my username to “Lawrence”. Back onto my story about coming out at school, After a few days of telling my counsellor I decided to slowly tell my friends. It was strange and quite astonishing how the school community reacted. I told my teachers; one by one, friends; one by one. My colleagues and teachers reacted in a nice and friendly matter, fully understanding how much strength it must take to come out to them. I must admit, I was very very surprised how they reacted, I would of thought I had lost friends, but that was false. Lucky for me I came out at a later age then most young people so I can understand(I speak this, through my experience, I know 17 is a very young age but through my experiences it’s quite late).
It get’s better mate. I know I had it tough, but that doesn’t mean you will have the same experience. You just gotta stick through it. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not a train, but a ray of hope
I have more to talk about, but maybe not at this time.
Here are a list of contacts you can associate with if you need to know more about my paths and which communities I joined.
Thanks for reading and I hope you see the same ray of light I did.